The little things matter...

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Before I ended up in an abusive romantic relationship with a narcissist (I call him 'the narc'), I often found myself merrily skipping down the street; I would randomly just start skipping or burst into dance whenever I felt like it. I just felt this childlike freedom, and I genuinely didn't care what others thought of me. Actually, I didn't even think of others watching or judging me.

This is something the narc made me aware of ~ how others could be watching and judging, at all times. He actually made me very aware that others' had opinions of me, which eventually made me very self-conscious.

I stopped skipping after the narc had a hold on me. And I've not skipped that way again since.

I noticed this week that I have a new way of feeling that childlike freedom though. It hit me yesterday, as I was walking from my therapy session towards my house, I found myself suddenly stopping and just standing there in the sunlight. I closed my eyes and faced the sun. Feeling the wind on my face and the air around me. Listening to the wind rustling the leaves of the many trees nearby. 'Twas beautiful. That moment helped me realise that I do this often; I stand in sunlight or moonlight as much as possible. If the urge hits me, I'll stop anywhere and look up, I'll close my eyes and bathe in the light, and just stand there appreciating the moment. I don't care what others think once again, if only they knew the path I've walked to get to these moments.

Sometimes, under that magical natural light, I even lip sync my favourite lyrics or mantras that help me feel safe & balanced.

And the narc will never know that part of me.

I love that. I love that he no longer knows me; he doesn't know the woman I'm becoming.

Fuck yeah!

I read somewhere recently that every 7-10 years we essentially become new people as, in that time, every cell in our bodies has been replaced by a new cell. That made me smile as in a few more years I would have slowly replaced the cells that asshole touched. I love that he doesn't know the woman I am today. He has no clue how much I've grown and who I've become. I love that so much. It's like slowly washing away the evil from my body & mind. I am the woman I choose to be.

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