I had a dream...I lived a nightmare...and now I'm awake

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I had a dream last week that I was being raped, but I had agreed to it.
I think I know what that represents.
I think it represents the way I felt and believed that I had no say in what my body experienced; like it was made for the use and pleasure of others, men especially.

When I was younger, I felt I was being raped on many occasions, but I believed that was my role in life. My purpose was to be used and abused. And so I agreed to go along with what others wanted.
I didn't think saying 'no' was an option that was available to me. I didn't think it was my right. It wasn't an option open to me.
Consent wasn't a word I was aware of. That word didn't exist in my vocabulary.

The one time I felt genuine love - not like the romantic love that we are sold by society, but a mutual respect kind of love - and effortless pleasure - again, not the idea of pleasure that is sold to us but genuine 'I want to be here and connect with this person' pleasure.
A pleasure that I didn't have to force and fake.

That love and pleasure that I never felt with my narc ex.
I think that says a lot, don't you?

The one time that I felt that love and pleasure was in Candybar, in Soho. With Maria.

She messaged me the day after. Wanting to meet up - coffee?

But I felt that meeting her could lead to me dating her. I felt a connection.
And dating a woman was not my right; it was against the law or something.
Because my purpose was to satisfy men. or at least make them believe they were satisfying me.

I'm sorry to myself for not letting myself follow my intuition, my wants, my needs, my calling.
I'm sorry for treating me that way, for denying myself happiness.
It would have been perfectly fine to date Maria, my darling girl. And to experience passion and joy with her.
And to feel safe.
I felt safe with Maria. I only knew her for one night a few hours one night years ago, but time doesn't make anything special - it's what you feel and experience that makes something special.


I forgive myself.
I can't go back and follow my intuition,
but I can do it now and change my present and my future.
At least I woke up, and now I know my truth.

I'm awake.

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