Question: "What Do You Do?" Answer: "I'm Being"

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* Trigger Warning: This post talks about suicide attempt and self-harm and also contains photos of self-harm scars, which could be a trigger to some. If you choose to keep reading, please tread carefully *

If I had continued to push on rather than completely stop and take care of myself, I wouldn't be here today. I was going to die. 

I broke down in 2004.
And then again in 2010 and 2011, and 2012, then again in 2013 and in 2014 and I've been in a mental health crisis since that breakdown. I also had other minor breakdowns in-between. I've spent a lot of my life breaking down, and I didn't actually know it until my 2014 breakdown.

My 2014 breakdown literally paralysed my face and left me in agony...

This breakdown was the one that came closest to killing me. It might sound morbid and drastic, but I needed that breakdown. Without it, I'd still be shut off from my reality, and maybe I wouldn't be alive now. That bad boy woke me up to what I was feeling and going trough; after that one, I couldn't try to live in denial anymore. To me this proves that ignorance is not always bliss!

It took me a while to become aware of what was happening. I always thought "I'm a strong, independent woman. I'm fine, just being dramatic, is all. But I'm fine". Awareness is tricky - when you do have it, it is like a whole new world has opened up to you but it is also one of the hardest things to have. Awareness is like someone has literally opened your mind and let all this new information in. It's hard because you know and are aware of this new world, however many around you may not have that awareness, and that makes it ever so tricky to live with.

After I became aware that I was having mental breakdowns, I realised that if I didn't change myself and my life drastically, then I would end up with a lovely funeral. I was well on my way to succeeding with my suicide attempts. And my self-harm episodes were only getting worse and worse; I was now cutting through muscle and getting closer and closer to my veins, where everything could end. Which is what I wanted at the time, to be honest. Now I realise that I'm too badass to die that young (Is that big headed? Ah well, I don't care)

It took my mum dragging me to the GP with cuts and blood all over my arms. Then, after the NHS failed to provide me with the right treatment, it took my mum begging and pleading with me to see a private psychotherapist. By this point, I had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. So, I was dealing with a serious mental illness, without the appropriate help, and it wasn't going well.

I eventually did give in and agreed to see a private psychotherapist. And now I think of the day she agreed to take me on as a client, as the day that she began to save my life.

After over a year of therapy, something has finally shifted within me. I'm now working on my rising; I'm coming home to myself. And it's likely I'm gonna survive this illness.

I quit my events career back in 2014, and have since been relying on savings, financial help and my family for financial and general help. There was a point where I couldn't get up; I couldn't move to brush my teeth or get out of bed before 6pm. Some days I was too tired and in too much mental & physical pain to even cut myself - and I was addicted to cutting myself so this really says a lot.

I still get days where I'm suicidal and I feel the need to self-harm, but I manage to keep myself safe now. I really got this. And this wouldn't be my reality if my family, my therapist, and my best friends weren't there for me. My support network has helped so much, and that's another thing that's key; ask for help and accept it. I know that's hard, trust me; I tried to keep going alone for many years, but it doesn't work. Asking for and accepting help can change your life for the better. Take a leap of faith. Please.

Thanks to therapy and the right medication, I am in a completely different place. I'm getting out of bed for starters! I'm blogging, I'm making jewellery that I love and selling it here, I'm working on becoming a Death Doula and a writer (just signed up to a writing workshop and gots my eye on an MA in Creative Writing, uh huh), I want to train as a Burlesque Dancer and a Yoga Teacher. Now I realise that there's so much I want to do. My life is so different. In the words of C.S Lewis:

"You are never too old to set another goal 
or to dream another dream"

I finally have moments of inner peace, I know how to manage my illness and how to take care of myself. I'm having to re-build my life from scratch, but it's wonderful to be able to do and to be the things I actually want, rather than follow the rat race, ignoring my illness and working in corporate events I hate for the rest of what would've been a short life.

I'm taking my time, but I'll get there. So when you ask me what I do, I'd like to tell you that it's not very much in terms of paid work, but it's a lot in terms of working my life out and living it. Don't judge me or others in similar circumstances - or judge me, I don't care anymore - as you have no idea what we have been through and how much we fight to simply survive each day.

I have fought so hard to be the woman I am today. I'm proud of myself , where I'm going and how I'm getting there, and if you don't get that, well, that's none of my business.

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