There's Bad Change, but There's Good Change too

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I'm someone who is petrified of sudden change.

When warned, in advance and depending on the change, then maybe I can cope, manage and deal with it.

However, I am also someone who needs change...often. I know; it's a mind fuck. But I need to change my hair, my nails, how I look, often; I'm in a lifelong identity crisis.

This past week though, it wasn't my appearance that I've felt the need to change. I've been feeling restless and struggling to stay in my room. A room which I loved very much. I was so restless and it was all affecting me so much that I booked a last minute therapy session to talk about it.

When there's need for change, there's something within me that needs changing...when external is affected, it is always something within that is in turmoil.  I can't say this is the rule for everyone, although I THINK it is, but this is spot on for me. If I'm acting weird, then there's something weird going inside my head. Always.

This time was no different.

Whenever I finish a therapy session like this week's one, I feel like "IT WAS SO OBVIOUS!" and I used to beat myself up for needing help to unravel these things, today I congratulate myself for knowing when to ask for help and for not suppressing my emotions, but rather going: "Something is wrong; I need help and I accept it". That shit is hard to admit in the society we live in. But the society we live in is fucked, nobody can make it out here alone; my advice - ask for help and accept it.


Here's what I found out about the restlessness I've been feeling lately....IT WAS ALL TO DO WITH MY LAST RELATIONSHIP (Or RelationSHIT as I call it in my head). And also the Harvey Weinstein news. Learning about what an abusive prick Harvey Weinstein is has triggered me, in a huge way; it's brought flashbacks of times when I was sexually abused and emotionally abused, which links to my ex who I was with for over a decade.

I've been feeling this general restlessness, frustration and need to change my bed and all the things in my bedroom. And I couldn't understand it. I thought I was being dramatic and  having a whole new batch of good 'ol BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) impulse. However, after a much needed therapy session, turns out that Harvey Weinstein triggering my past abuse, links to the ex (obvs!) who spent a lot of time in my bedroom, staining everything with his presence. This links to a lot I'd like to change in my bedroom because it reminds of the ex, who behaved like Harvey Weinstein!

Yes, I needed my therapist to help me get there, and * I repeat * I'm so damn proud of myself for asking for help...and then accepting it.

Moral of the story: My restlessness and frustration, which was on the verge of leading me to self-harm, was there for a reason; it was bringing my attention to something that I was uncomfortable feeling but needed to feel.

There is a reason you're feeling what you're feeling. My advice? GET A (good) THERAPIST.

I've now changed my bedroom completely, it's changed this much:



I am no longer feeling frustrated and restless; I'm a lot calmer and so comfortable.

I had to make these changes. My past got the better of me, but not for long, because I asked for and accepted help. Everything that was negatively affecting me from my past relationship is now gone. This room is all me, and I even got my small writing space back (Which means the world to me).

Let go of shit that no longer serves you, especially when it no longer serves you in a healthy way.

It's okay to feel.
It's okay to let go.
It's okay to move on.
It's okay to feel emotional about it.

It's okay, you know? It's okay to be you. It's okay to just not be okay. It's okay to not be okay" (Kristen Stewart)

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