Sex Toy Review: Satisfyer Pro Penguin & Satisfyer Pro Deluxe - Next Generation


"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Phwoar" is what I was left whispering after playing with these sex toys.


Ok, so I have just tested the Satisfyer Pro Penguin (Next Generation) and the Satisfyer Pro Deluxe (Next Generation) and these toys are now by far, BY FAR, my favourite toys of all time (And I've tried many!) They are AHMAZING and I feel so lucky to have discovered these beauties.

Love After An Abusive Relationship

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It still feels so surreal sometimes; how he makes me feel so seen, safe and understood. Is this really possible? I'd concluded that I would never even like somebody new again, yet here I am; head over heels.

But I'm struggling; I'm struggling to trust him and to trust myself, and to let my emotions completely show. Therapy has helped me understand that this is because of my past experiences; as, of course, our experiences shape us and how we relate to the world. So coming from a decade long abusive relationship where I never felt safe, and suddenly going into experiencing the very opposite, is actually hard. You'd think it would feel amazing (well, I did!), like "Yes, this is safe and this is great!" but actually our brains are scared of anything new and unknown; even though the familiar is abuse and pain, it is still familiar and that feels safe. I know, it's total fuckery.

This has been my truth, and I want to make it clear that we are all individuals and we all experience different things and we experience them differently to one another. So, your truth may be different to mine, and that's okay.

My truth was, and still is, that I was in a decade long abusive relationship where I blamed myself when my partner was angry or disappointed or felt stuck; it was made to be my fault and something I was doing/should fix. When in actual fact, I was sick and the one that was stuck in an abusive cycle.

When this relationship ended, I felt free; this sense of FREEDOM took over me and I genuinely felt lighter; mentally and physically. At that moment I told myself "Never again; I'm going to be single forever and always put myself first!"

However, after a few months into my freedom, I only went and fell for a boy. Let's call him Cos Blue.

For me, my past experiences have meant that now it feels really hard to let myself feel anything romantic again, and even harder to let that person honestly know how I feel. Now, and this may be surprising, but it's also been hard to accept that he feels the same way; he likes me. Did you get that? HE LIKES ME! Someone that makes me feel safe and understood, like I've never experienced before, actually likes me too. And I'm fucking petrified.

But I'm aware of how I feel and how my past has affected me (Thank you dear magical therapist!) So I have let myself get closer to this beautiful person, slowly and in a healthy way. And it's changed my life; and this time it's changed my life for the better. Huzzzah!

I told Cos Blue how I feel about him, and I know how he feels; he's been open and honest and doesn't play games. I'm not on edge with him. And even though a relationship is not on the cards at the moment, I have hope that one day we'll be in the right place; body, mind and soul, to work out "What next?"

I feel safe in knowing that even if nothing ever happens with us, we will always be in each others' lives as great friends. What we have now is lovely and I'm so grateful to have this wonderful being in my life.

I genuinely feel like whatever happens, this person will always be here with me. He's taught me a lot and helped me learn so much about myself. I'm in awe of him and I see his perfect imperfections and I bloody love them - It's the first time I'm seeing imperfections in someone I like. Which is huge for me, and healthy, because nobody is perfect and if we believe they are, well then something is wrong.

I came from a really painful and fucked up relationship; I was completely broken and wanted to be alone forever. But I let myself fall for Cos Blue, and he's been this amazing and huge part of my healing.

He's been understanding and honest; he understands my words and experiences and how it all affects me. Sometimes I'll behave in a way that leaves me confused, but he helps me understand why I'm feeling the way I do. He's helped me feel stronger, safe, seen and truly understood, and for that I will be forever grateful. After all, isn't that what love is?

Not all relationships are the same, there's good and there's bad, the trick is learning our values & boundaries, and feeling strong enough to ride the waves of emotions. And Fuck society too; relationships can be however the parties involved want them to be.

I guess what I'm saying is, take your time; listen to your body and mind. When we're truly connected with ourselves; body, mind and soul, then it's like we simply know what to do next. It may mean taking time to be alone, or it may mean something different. Get really deeply in touch with yourself and it'll come to you.

For now, I'm going to let myself fall in love with me first, and I'm happy to wait and see what the future brings for us. Until then, he'll be my one and only favourite. And it's a special kind of wonderful to have him in my life.

Watch this space.

My Take On: Bunny Boiler & Borderline Personality Disorder

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Hi! My name is Elly.
I am a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
And many people think of me as a "Bunny Boiler".


I've lost count of the number of times others have referred to Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction as a way of explaining a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, in other words - Me. If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean; the bunny boiler scene etc - Yeah, THAT Crap!

Behind the Scenes of the #ITalkSex Photo Shoot

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I think it's about time I told you what went on Behind the Scenes of the #ITalkSex photo shoot...


If you follow me on social media then, by now, you know that I talk sex and that I've been talking about it a lot more recently. The reason for this is that I was one of 10 lucky ladies who were selected to be part of the Scarlet Ladies #ITalkSex campaign. We had to apply and wait...and when I found out that I got in, it was very much an "Eeeeek" moment! I swear I was more excited about this then about getting into uni.

I've talked about this campaign before here and on my socials - if you've missed that "#ITalkSex Because..." post, then simply click HERE to read it.



So, on Wednesday 19th July 2017, I joined the Scarlet Ladies for an #ITalkSex campaign photo shoot. I arrived at the venue: the beautiful 23 Paul Street, and was taken to their lovely Dressing Room, where there was a hair stylist and a make-up artist waiting to pamper me and make me look incredible for the shoot.

Photograph by Sweety

Picture this: a group of wonderful women, yummy nibbles, bubbles, banter and games, and a whole lotta of dressing up going on. And as I was getting  my make-up done, Faby (photographer of Faby and Carlo) came in to the dressing room and chose my outfit. I was so happy when she chose a beautiful latin-esque red dress that I love (We took a selection of outfits, which was great as it meant that we had control of what to wear for the shoot!)

Here's how it all looked...

Before & After: Taken by me


Once I was all dolled up, I was then taken to The Reserve room for the actual photo shoot - Eek!
I met Faby and Carlo in the beautiful Piano Room (which is one half of The Reserve), and after a lovely chat - that really helped feel calmer - they started to photograph me; I posed by a window, and on what I like to describe as a leather throne, and leaning on a piano, I posed on a beautiful red leather sofa; I posed and posed whilst Faby and Carlo spoke to me and kept everything going and feeling quite natural.

It was amazing! And well, the photos turned out just absolutely stunning. I'll let you be the judge...

Photograph by Faby and Carlo 

Photograph by Faby and Carlo 

Photograph by Faby and Carlo 

Photograph by Faby and Carlo

Photograph by Faby and Carlo

 After the shoot, I moved into the other half of The Reserve, and had a polaroid taken as well as a chance to get creative when writing about why I talk sex. The result was this beauty:

Photo by me 


The next step was to do a short recording about why I talk sex. For this part, I was taken to The Vault where I wrote a short message and spoke honestly about why talking sex is important to me. I've written in detail about why I talk sex HERE, but in short this is my message:

Photo by Sarah at Scarlet Ladies

It was a fabulous day and I'm so so proud of myself, and of the other incredible women, for being part of this beautiful and extremely important campaign.

We've since had a really successful press launch of the #ITalkSex Campaign. And on Tuesday, the 12th of September, we are all getting together to celebrate at the #ITalkSex Launch Party. If you would like to join us, please check the Scarlet Ladies website - by clicking HERE.

And if you can't join us in person, well that's okay, as you can join the #ITalkSex Twitter Party with Girl On The Net - click HERE for the details!

You can also get involved in the #ITalkSex campaign, simply head over to the Scarlet Ladies' website to find out more.

To read more words from me and from the other lovely ladies involved then click HERE.


Behind My Scars

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Photography by Sophie Mayanne

* Trigger Warning: This post talks about suicide attempt and self-harm and also contains photos of self-harm scars, which could be a trigger to some. If you choose to keep reading, please tread carefully *

"Every scar, every wound, every ache inside of you is a story. And stories are the wildest, most powerful things of all. Because stories can build galaxies or make entire universes break and bleed and fall"        ~ Nikita Gill, You are made of stories. 

I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder), which is a debilitating and persistent mental illness. And because of this illness, I've struggled with self-harm all my life - I mean it, I started hitting myself at the age of 3.

Monthly Reflections 2017: Goodbye August, Hello September!

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And finally, on the 3rd of September, she finally manages to finish off her August Monthly Reflections! It's been a wonderful August, but I gotta say that I am really looking forward to this new month; I have lots of lovely things planned for September and YAY for Autumn!

So, looking back over August, and forwards to September:

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