#ITalkSex Because...

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Last week the Scarlet Ladies launched their #ITalkSex campaign, and this is a campaign I am passionate about and one I believe is extremely important for women all over!

It aims to get a conversation going about
female sexuality - so, I'm here to invite you ladies to join the conversation. As, in the words of the Scarlet Ladies, “Female sexuality is not a dirty secret. It’s a part of who we are.”

The Scarlet Ladies HQ summarise the campaign perfectly, here:

Goodbye 'This is Mental'. Hello to a new me, a new name, a new blog, a new ever'thang!

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I deleted my blog. Gasp!

There was a moment of "OH MY BUDDHA, what have I done?!" But that was soon followed by a sense of...relief. I felt lighter.

I still feel lighter.

My 'This is Mental' blog no longer felt like me, you see.

I've changed so much in the last year, and the woman I am today is definitely not the one that created and kept 'This is Mental' going.

Don't get me wrong; I had to hit rock bottom to get here, so thank you past Elly. I am forever grateful to that woman, she introduced me to a stronger me.

And I feel like I can dream again.

But more importantly, like I can make those dreams come true! And I've decided to do it by being unapologetically me. Thus 'Unapologetically Elly' was born - it just feels right.

Here's to new beginnings!

"And here's to the fools who dream.
Crazy as they seem.
Here's to the hearts that break.
Here's to the mess we make"

(Emma Stone - The Fools Who Dream, from the movie La la land)

This is Me ~ 21st August 2017

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I identify as being Pansexual.

I love almond milk. And blueberries.

This year (2017) was the first time I felt like celebrating my birthday since 2011.
My hair is currently short, brown, turquoise and cerise.
I'm in psychotherapy, I have been for over a year now, and will be for a long time.
I'm in recovery.
And I'm finally okay with that.

I really like Nakd bars. Nom nom nom.
I tend to either starve myself and throw up after eating OR I binge eat, however I've been able to stay on a healthy diet for around a month now.
It took me a long time to accept that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I may have Bipolar, but I don't want it. So, I'm not claiming it yet.

I love going to the cinema.
The last movie I watched was 'The Big Sick', and it's changed my life. Yes, some movies really do change my life.
I also recently watched '10 Years' and it's now one of my favourites. It's on Netflix, I highly recommend it.
My all-time favourite movie is 'Almost Famous'.

I love finding a bargain.

Confession: I have never had an orgasm through penetration alone.

I don't believe in Soul Mates.

I love to dance, and I dance in quite a sensual way, but I do not enjoy attention from others.

I'm not great at having sex with people I don't love, so I've stopped doing that; I've stopped fucking people I hardly know or don't feel comfortable with. There's nothing wrong with having sex with strangers etc, it's just not my thang.

It's taken me a while to be okay with who I am and how I feel, and I'm finally in a place where I know that my body is mine, and society can fuck off with its pressures.
Because I felt pressured by society to behave in a certain way, I ended up having lots of sex when I really didn't want to. I pretended to enjoy sex when really, I felt used and disgusted. So much so, that I often held in the tears. I don't mean to brag, but I could win an Oscar for my performances.

I am currently reading 'Stardust' and 'Diana: Her true story - in her own words'
Current favourite song: 'Moonlight' by Grace VanderWaal.
Current favourite album: 'Cry Baby' by Melanie Martinez.
Current guilty pleasure(s): Listening to 'I don't want to live forever' by Taylor Swift and Zayn. 

I've Finally Discovered Honesty

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Honesty. What a fucking word. Don’t you think?

It's a principle that is hard to come by, and when we do – do we want it or would we rather live in the “ignorance is bliss” world? More importantly, do we ourselves want to be completely honest? Or would we rather omit parts of ourselves and keep secrets?

On Living a Lie

I used to be a “I want honesty but I keep a lot to myself” kind of girl. Secretive should've been my middle name, so much so that even I became a mystery to my own self. I managed to live a lie and keep the honest truth even from me. Magic, you say? Nope, mental ill health.

I know many people believe that they are simply secretive, but I bet that there is an unhealthy reason for this behaviour. Sorry to burst your bubble. I learned this the hard way and would hate for you to go through it that way too.

Advice To My 18-Year-Old Self

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*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger

I really want to share some news.

Are you ready for this?!


I finished...READING A BOOK! A whole book!

It's not the thickest of books but it is a book. Which I read from beginning to end!

Now I'll explain my excitement.

Don't Judge My Scars

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*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger

I went to the pharmacy with my mum yesterday, to collect my medication, and there it was, one of the biggest triggers for me at the moment...The razors and blades section. Walking away from it empty handed is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Am I addicted to cutting myself? I also take too many pills from time to time. I punch, pull, hit, bite, slap, dig but I know that I'm not addicted to those. However, cutting, I can't say for sure.

A few weeks ago I found myself in a similar spot; facing a huge variety of razors & blades, and that time I couldn't fight it, I bought a pack. 99pence for a pack of four . That was all. As I was paying for it I found myself thinking "It's cheaper than smoking", as if that made it all okay. I felt safer just by the thought of having blades in my room; to know they were there, just in case. I even lied to myself "maybe this will help me to not cut myself as much, or even at all!" but it's a lie I believed.

Do You Ever Think About Our Abortion?

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*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content as well as discussions of abortion procedure which can be a potential trigger to some 


“Do you ever think about our abortion?” I texted him.

We had recently broken up, so this was a completely out-of-the-blue message for him. I had been discussing my abortion in therapy (a lot), so it was not out-of-the-blue for me.

The One-Night Stand That Left Me Feeling Empty. Part 3: The Night and The Lesson

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That feeling of emptiness is an issue for those with Borderline Personality Disorder, I won't pretend it isn't.

But the night after this one-night stand, I felt this awful, disgusting emptiness with a side of deep sadness that was slightly different to the usual emptiness I'm used to.

"Why did I just do that?" I kept asking myself.

The One-Night Stand That Left Me Feeling Empty. Part 2: The Lead Up

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The boy was going away for five months.

I knew this trip was going to happen, he had been planning it for a while. I actually even helped him choose his courses and look for accommodation. I feel like a fool for doing that now. What came from this San Diego experience still torments me and is something which will take a long time to process and get over, but I'm beginning to accept it. It happened. I can't go back and change things, and that's that.

The One-Night Stand That Left Me Feeling Empty. Part 1: The Lead Up

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I have been considering writing about this time of my life for a while now, as I've been having flashbacks of these events a lot recently. Therapy tends to bring this stuff back.
This week I came to a decision; after reading this badass quote:

"I am not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable"

The "Old" Me

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*Trigger Warning* Before continuing, please note, this post contains some emotional content and discussion of self-harm behaviour which can be a potential trigger. 
It's 2:38am, I'm wide awake, crying and writing. I'm also in bed, under the covers, and I have my headphones in. I do this a lot, well I used to; just get my iPod, put my music on, my headphones in and drift away to a land of good memories and dancing (I love to dance and often choreograph my own little routines in my head).

But now, I listen to music and it actually makes me feel worse.
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